Understanding No Contact: A Path to Healing and Reconnection
In this post (related to my recent video What "No Contact" Actually Means When We Estrange From Family), I want to dive into the topic of going "no contact" with family, something that has become a significant part of many people's lives, especially when dealing with estrangement. I also want to clarify what "no contact" really means and address some common misconceptions, particularly from the perspective of parents whose children have made this decision.
As someone who works with individuals in difficult family dynamics, including those who are estranged, I see the pain that both sides experience. But I want to focus on one key question that I hear repeatedly from parents: "How can I fix the relationship with my adult child? They've gone no contact, and it doesn't make any sense!"
What does "no contact" really mean?
When someone goes no contact, it is a clear message which says: "I am no longer willing or able to continue this relationship with the current dynamic." This decision isn't made lightly. It's a painful step, often after feeling unheard, disrespected, or misunderstood for a long period of time. When your child says, "I'm done," it means that the issues in the relationship have become so bad that they feel there is no point in continuing the way things have been.
And yes, I understand this can be incredibly painful for a parent. It feels like a rejection, a wound that can be hard to heal. But here's the crucial part: if you want to have any chance of reconnecting in the future, it’s vital that you understand and respect the message your child is sending. You need to truly hear what they are trying to communicate.
Why parents often struggle to accept "no contact"
Many parents respond to estrangement with confusion or defensiveness. They might say things like, "No contact doesn't make any sense." Some may even go further, labeling their child’s decision as immature or disrespectful, saying things like, "We had a great relationship before, I was a good parent. Why would they do this?"
I understand why parents think this way — it hurts, and it’s easier to dismiss the estrangement than to face the uncomfortable truth. But here’s the thing: this reaction doesn't help.
If you truly want to reconcile with your child, you need to start by acknowledging the truth: something went wrong in the relationship. Denying it or blaming your child for "being childish" will only make things worse. It will create a wall, not a bridge. So, if you genuinely want to reconnect, the first step is acceptance — acceptance that the relationship has issues, and that it is important to see things from your child’s perspective.
Relational blind spots and estrangement
What I want to talk about now is what I call "relational blind spots." These are the gaps in our understanding of how we relate to others. Essentially, relational blind spots happen when one person views the relationship one way, and the other sees it differently — but neither side recognizes these differences. They’re right there in front of us, but we don’t always see them.
I’m sure many of us have had relationships where we just go along with what the other person wants because it’s easier, or because we don't know how to change things. In families, this is especially common. But it doesn't mean that we like or agree with everything- and this can create a blind spot for another person. When we don't or can't speak up for our needs, we are unable to communicate what is wrong in a relationship, so the other person is none the wiser. The bigger problem I see in estrangement is when a child has tried to voice their concerns, but the parent is unable or unwilling to hear them.
I see a lot of parents who don’t realize how their children have adapted to their way of being — sometimes out of necessity, to avoid conflict, or simply to keep the peace.
Children who are feeling unheard or constantly shut down will often just give in to avoid stress. They smile, they nod, they go along with things, but in their hearts, they feel shut out and disconnected. If your child goes "no contact," it could be because they’ve tried to express their feelings before but have been ignored, shut down, or even punished. It’s not always about you being a bad parent — it’s about how the relationship dynamic has played out over time.
The importance of mutual understanding
It is also important to realize that relationships need constant work. If you're not checking in with your child, really listening to how they feel, and ensuring they feel heard, understood, and respected, then you might not have the close, healthy relationship you think you do. Parents sometimes assume that just because they’ve done their best, their children should automatically understand and appreciate their parent. But unless you're genuinely listening, your child may not feel safe enough to share their thoughts and feelings with you.
We all have relational blind spots. In the case of estrangement, it’s crucial to recognize that as a parent, you may have missed something. It’s easy to think that everything was fine and that your child’s decision to cut you off is sudden or irrational, but in many cases, it’s the result of years of frustration and feeling unheard.
Acknowledging the problem and moving forward
The theory of parsimony in psychology suggests that the simplest solution is usually the most likely. So, if your child has decided to go no contact, it’s likely that there is a fundamental issue in the relationship. It’s easy for parents to blame other factors, like external influences or mistakes their child made, but at the core, estrangement is a sign that something has gone wrong in the relationship.
If you're serious about working through estrangement, whether you're the parent or the child, the first step is acknowledging the problem. There was a blind spot. You didn’t see it, but it’s time to accept it, face it, and work through it.
Admitting that there was a problem doesn't make you weak or a bad parent. It’s simply a necessary step toward healing. Avoiding this step — or getting defensive and refusing to accept that your child’s perspective might be valid — will only make it harder to move forward.
Estrangement is painful. It brings up a lot of emotions and defensive reactions. But I firmly believe that if both parties are willing to face the issues and have an honest, open conversation, healing and potential reconciliation are possible.
Next steps for reconciliation
If you're a parent and you're struggling with estrangement, my advice is to take a step back and reflect on the relationship. What might you have missed? Where might you have been blind to your child’s needs? It’s not easy, but facing this head-on is the first step to healing.
If you're interested in learning more about how to move through estrangement and work toward reconciliation, please let me know. I’d be happy to share my thoughts on the steps that can help in these situations.
And if you're an estranged child reading this, I’d love to hear your perspective. Did your parents truly understand what "no contact" meant for you? Do you feel like they got the message, or is there something more they could have done?
Thank you for reading, and I hope this post gives you some insight into the complex emotions and challenges behind estrangement. If you found this useful, feel free to comment, share, and let me know your thoughts.
As always, much love
Chess
xxx
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