A relationship with a narcissistic person is always complex- when that narcissist is your mother, it become incredibly confusing. Unpredictable behaviour, changing values, and putting on acts to impress others, are all typically bewildering narcissistic traits. When we are exposed to this from birth, it is our normal. We don't know that we are living in a very difficult and likely damaging environment.
As with any relationship, details will be different, however, narcissistic behaviour has telltale patterns. The following traits may look familiar to you, if your mother is narcissistic.
Narcissistic mothers can be very resentful.
A narcissist typically resents doing anything for another person. They will do things for their own gain- for example to earn money, to gain admiration or social standing- but dislike helping others out unless there is something in it for them. Parenting can be a very thankless task- long hours with no pay!- and as parenting can often be left to a mother's responsibility, this can be a miserable situation for a narcissist.
When a mother resents her role, she can project that resentment on to her children. Through passive aggressive jibes, volatile rage, withdrawal of affection or lack of support, a narcissistic mother can make her child feel like they are a burden or inconvenience. It causes psychological distress when a child feels unloved, unwanted, or that they are being needy or selfish, for just being a child and needing a parent.
Narcissistic mothers are often jealous of their children.
Leading on from resentment, a narcissistic mother can become envious or jealous of their child. A narcissistic mother can become particularly envious of a daughter, as the mother ages and her daughter grows into adulthood. Aging, perhaps losing some looks in comparison to a daughter's emerging beauty can feel unbearable. A mother may see her daughter or son have more opportunities than she did.
When a parent feels envious of their child, a natural instinct can be to compete with them. A mother may try to taunt a child on their love-life or dating successes. They may compare financial status, academic achievements or even parenting approaches. When life becomes a competition between mother and child, the child can only lose. They lose the unconditional support of a loving caregiver when they are younger, and a wiser companion to help with later life challenges.
A narcissistic mother is often obsessed with appearances
Whether it be physical appearance, how the family looks to others, or how their parenting may be evaluated, a narcissistic mother can become obsessed with other's perceptions.
A narcissist survives through showing the world an illusion of how they want to be viewed. Through early rejection, a narcissist has learned that it is not safe to show their true selves, so they make up masks and hide behind promises.
For some narcissistic mothers, they may want to look like a perfect wife and parent. The illusion may be around clothes, beauty, or possessions. They may need that perfection to extend to their kids- how they look, behave, or achieve at school. The narcissistic mother will likely want to show the world that they are a supportive, loving parent, and will baulk at any suggestion that their parenting is not perfect. But of course, no parent is perfect.
Narcissistic mothers may struggle to hear any personal criticism, but constantly criticize others
Because being a mother can be central to a narcissist's identity, any criticism around that role will be resented and resisted. A narcissist simply cannot hear feedback, at risk of that vulnerable child inside them being wounded again. Sadly, this means that they become defensive, or deaf to any criticism or challenging conversation. This stunts any potential of growing or progressing any parent-child relationship. Instead of being able to move into more equal roles as the child matures, the narcissistic mother can cling to the idea of knowing more, being in charge, or just being superior to their offspring.
The irony- as is so prevalent with narcissism- is that a narcissistic mother is so often critical of others. They gossip, bully, or disapprove by habit that it can become a default setting to find fault with people around them. This leaves the child of a narcissistic mother at risk of being constantly criticized and developing perfectionism and low self-esteem. When love, approval and acceptance are conditional with performing well, but standards are too high to be met, we can find ourselves never making the grade. Which is a lonely and damaging place to be.
A narcissistic mother rarely respects boundaries
All narcissists have poor to non-existent boundaries. The narcissist cannot generate confidence from within themselves, so need to feel admiration from others, essentially showing that their sense of self is derived from outside rather than from their inner being. Therefore a narcissist would not survive- could not be a narcissist- with boundaries. So, it is a part of who they are to have minimal respect for the boundaries of others.
Adding into this, a mother-child bond is necessarily, biologically closer than most. A child was literally a part of their mother's being. And whilst most mothers would evolve and adapt that bond to support a child becoming their own independent being, a narcissistic mother struggles. Physically the bond may be separated, but so often, the emotional attachment is maintained for too long. A narcissistic mother may base her emotions upon those of her child, or on what the child does or says.
The lack of boundaries may look like idle gossip- the mother sharing personal details of their child without thought or concern around who's information it is to discuss. A mother may have opinions around who their child should date, how they should act, or what they should do for work. And then assert those opinions regardless of how accurate, helpful or wanted they are.
So, how do we live with a narcissistic mother?
I believe the answer lies in understanding that this is a pattern which is very, very, very unlikely to change. And also seeing that is it not our responsibility to help our mothers understand how their behavior is damaging our relationship. Of course, we explain our perspective and our hopes for a more healthy dynamic. However, ultimately, if our mothers choose not to hear this, that is their choice. And with that choice comes consequences.
As adults, first and foremost, we are all responsible for our own emotions, choices and lives. We are not responsible for that of any other adult, and we have a duty to not interfere with the autonomy of others. And we can still love and wish the best for those in our lives without compromising these ideas.
Much love, Chess xxx
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