3 Manipulative Behaviors Toxic Parents Use to Control Their Children
I want to dive into three manipulative behaviors that narcissistic and toxic parents often use to control and confuse their children. These tactics are subtle, yet powerful, and I’ve learned a lot about them from my own experiences growing up in a difficult family. As a psychotherapist and coach, I work to help others untangle these behaviors, so let's get into it.
1. The Puzzler: Cherry-Picking Pieces of the Story
The first manipulative behavior I want to address is something I call “puzzling.” Imagine a jigsaw puzzle with all these different pieces, each representing a part of a person’s character or experience. A healthy parent would look at the entire picture — the full range of who their child is, both strengths and weaknesses. But toxic parents? They only pick out the pieces that fit their narrative.
For example, imagine a rainbow puzzle with all its colors and shades. A narcissistic parent might pick out just the yellow pieces and say, “This is my golden child, the perfect one.” Meanwhile, the child they don’t favor gets painted with all the “dark” pieces, like a purple or grey section, and is labeled as “bad” or “trouble.” They don’t look at the child as a whole person; they take just a couple of pieces, twisting the child’s identity to fit a very narrow, biased view.
What happens in these toxic dynamics is that children can be blamed for issues they didn’t fully cause. For example, if siblings fight, a good parent would look at the bigger picture: Who was involved? What caused the fight? Maybe one child is more sensitive, or another has a history of getting their way. A toxic parent, however, will often just pick one child to blame, ignoring the full context. This type of selective perception can create intense feelings of shame and confusion for the child, who only sees a fraction of their personality being acknowledged.
2. The Time Traveler: Twisting the Narrative
Next up is what I call the “time traveler parent.” This behavior is a gaslighting technique where the parent manipulates the timeline of events to suit their narrative. Essentially, they “rewrite” history to avoid taking accountability.
For example, I once had a situation with my family where I needed legal help. My parents were strongly against it, but the reality was, my sister had hired a lawyer that only represented her interests. I was left in a mess and had no choice but to get legal help on my own. When I brought this up, my dad denied it and twisted the events, claiming that my sister only hired a lawyer because I had hired one. It was a complete reversal of the truth!
This kind of manipulation is a prime example of DARVO (Denial, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender), a common tactic among narcissists. They deny their actions, attack you for defending yourself, and then claim they’re the victim of your behavior. It’s confusing and disorienting because there’s always some kernel of truth in what they’re saying. Yes, maybe I did hire a lawyer, but I did so out of necessity after my sister’s lawyer essentially worked against me. When a parent uses this technique, it becomes impossible for the child to argue the facts without being painted as the bad guy.
This “time traveling” tactic is not just about manipulating facts; it’s about shifting responsibility. It can make children second-guess their own memories and experience, leaving them unsure about what actually happened and how they were treated.
3. The Parrot: Mimicking Words Without Meaning
The final manipulative behavior I want to touch on is something I’ve dubbed “parroting.” This is essentially the opposite of projecting. When a narcissistic parent projects, they’ll accuse others of doing the very thing they themselves are guilty of. With parroting, the parent hears something from outside of themselves — like a word or phrase — and then adopts it as their own, without understanding or genuinely embodying its meaning.
For example, I once tried to communicate to my parents that I wished our conversations could be more respectful. What I meant was that I wanted honesty, transparency, and kindness in our exchanges. But the next time they responded, they parroted back to me, “We’ve been nothing but respectful towards you.” This was their way of taking the word “respect” and wearing it as a shield, despite their actions showing otherwise.
What’s frustrating about parroting is that it’s completely hollow. It’s not a genuine change in behavior or attitude; it’s simply a way for the parent to deflect criticism by co-opting a word that sounds good but doesn’t match their behavior. It’s a form of manipulation that makes it difficult for the child to have honest, authentic conversations without feeling dismissed or invalidated.
The Takeaway
These three behaviors — the puzzler, the time traveler, and the parrot — are all subtle but powerful tools narcissistic and toxic parents use to manipulate their children. They confuse, distort reality, and invalidate the child’s experiences. If you’ve grown up with parents who exhibited any of these behaviors, you might find yourself struggling with feelings of shame, confusion, or even guilt over things you didn’t do or weren’t fully responsible for. Knowing the tactics takes us closer towards understanding the true picture and moving forwards with a proper sense of reality.
Much love,
Chess
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