In today’s post, I’m diving into a big topic that I believe isn’t being discussed enough when it comes to family estrangement, especially from the perspective of adult children.
There’s one essential question I think parents, estrangement experts, and even therapists aren’t asking – and I’m here to talk about why it matters. Ready for it? Let’s get into it.
The Missing Question
The question that I think we’re all overlooking is: What’s better about your life now that you’ve estranged from your family? For some that may sound a little blunt, but stick with me here. For adult children who have chosen estrangement, what has actually improved in their lives since distancing themselves from their families?
I believe this is a really powerful question because if we understand the improvements and benefits that estranged adult children experience, we can move toward finding solutions – whether that’s healing the relationship, avoiding estrangement in the first place, or simply gaining a deeper understanding of what needs to change.
Why Does This Question Matter?
It’s simple really – we’re all motivated by the need to feel good, both physically and emotionally. We want to feel safe, secure, and comfortable in our relationships. Humans, at our core, are just trying to survive and make our lives as pleasant as possible. So, when a person chooses estrangement, it's not because they want to make their lives worse – it's because, in their view, it’s a necessary step to make their life better.
Even when people engage in behaviors that hurt themselves, like self-harm or addiction, there’s usually some kind of relief or coping mechanism at play. The same goes for estrangement – it may hurt, but it's likely a choice made to improve emotional well-being.
So let's think about it: Why would anyone cut off a family member, especially a close one, unless they truly believed it would make their life better? It doesn’t make sense to make such a drastic decision without some significant payoff. That’s why I think we’re missing the mark by not asking this question.
The Unhelpful Narrative Around Estrangement
Too often, we hear language online and in the media about how awful estranged children are – calling them selfish, entitled, or confused. This narrative isn’t helpful at all. Instead of focusing on the negative side of estrangement, we should be asking what has got better for them? What positive changes have they experienced since distancing themselves from their family?
This is a crucial question because it shifts the dialogue from blame and judgment to understanding. If we can see what has improved in the estranged child’s life, then we can begin to address the issues that led to estrangement in the first place and work on resolving them.
My Own Experience with Estrangement
I want to share a bit about my own experience with estrangement. For me, cutting off my family was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done – emotionally painful and incredibly destructive in many ways. But at the same time, there were immense benefits to the distance I created.
This isn’t about demonizing parents or saying that estrangement is always the answer – far from it. In my case, the estrangement could have been avoided or, at the very least, could have been the beginning of reconciliation if my parents had asked me this simple but important question: How is your life better now?
Had they asked that question, it would have shown me they were genuinely interested in who I am as a person, rather than just their idea of who I should be. It would have shown they recognized my decision was not made lightly and that they respected my thoughts and feelings. That’s the kind of vulnerability and emotional connection I needed from them.
Why Don’t We Ask This Question?
I think the reason this question isn’t being asked is tied to fear and denial. Parents might fear that asking this question will lead to them being blamed, or that they’ll feel like failures. There’s often a fear that this conversation will just lead to more rejection.
But here’s the thing: Asking this question is not an admission of failure; it’s an opportunity for growth. By asking, a parent shows emotional vulnerability and genuine interest, which is exactly what estranged children need. It opens the door to connection, something that can be the starting point for healing, even if the relationship is deeply wounded.
What’s the Fear of Asking?
One of the fears parents might have is that their child will say something like, “I’m better off without you,” which can feel devastating. But honestly, not asking the question doesn’t help anything – it just keeps the relationship stuck.
Even if the child responds with “I’m doing great without you,” it’s still valuable to know where they stand and why. At least you’ll understand their perspective and know where the rift lies, giving you insight into what you can do differently.
Changing the Narrative Around Estrangement
By asking, you’re not making things worse – you’re opening a dialogue. If the relationship has been strained, the child may be less stressed and feel lighter without the weight of family tension. You may discover what it is that they need and begin to understand them more as an adult – or as a parent themselves.
For parents who are estranged and unsure how to repair the relationship, it’s essential to see things from your child’s perspective. Even if you’ve done things “right” from your point of view, it’s clear that something’s not working. Try to approach it with curiosity instead of defensiveness. What would make their life easier or more comfortable? What can you do to alleviate their emotional load?
Final Thoughts
If you're a parent wondering how to reconnect with an estranged child, start by asking this simple yet powerful question: What has got better in your life since we’ve been apart? You may be surprised by the answer, and it will give you a clearer understanding of where to go from there.
Whatever brings you here, I wish you well.
Much love,
Chess xx
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