Estrangement is a loaded word. So many emotions can come attached to it, and if we are in it, betrayal is often at the heart of it.
In my opinion, and experience, this is one of the reasons why estrangement is so hard to navigate. Because we have this whirling maelstrom of anger, deep hurt, grief, loss, sadness, and rage, towards people who are so central to our lives. I also believe that these emotions are present on both sides of estrangement.
If we are cut off from a family member- especially if we feel it came out of the blue or for no good reason- the pain can be immense. The injustice and confusion can add to the mix of awful feelings, and become almost unbearable.
And there are good reasons for this hurt. Humans are social beings- we literally need each other to survive. In many cultures, and historically, our survival hinged on our family groups supporting us for food, shelter and protection, as well as love and acceptance. So, to no longer be connected with a key member of our family can feel unnatural, shameful, and utterly incomprehensible.
These emotions also apply to the person cutting off in family estrangement. It can seem counterintuitive to others, especially the person who has been cut off. However, true family cut offs are not done for punishment or to hurt or manipulate another (this is alienation). Estrangement happens when a person feels they can no longer find a way forward with a relationship, and when it becomes too damaging or hurtful, and all attempts at trying to resolve differences have failed, this can be the best of a bad set of choices. And, for those who recognise they have to leave a family unit for their own wellbeing, the feelings of hurt, loss, confusion, shame, and anger can also be overwhelming.
So, ok, we feel terrible. Why would we want to focus on this. For a very good reason. That without working through the betrayal, we can't move forwards. We can become stuck in the injustice, the pain, and the awful sense of hurt. We can become bitter, resentful, or worse, want to hurt others around us so that we aren't the only ones suffering.
Being in this place for an extended period of time is not good for us. And will prevent us from finding a way forwards. If we are the cut-off party, it will close us off to being able to reconcile with our loved one. When we hold those deeply powerful feelings, and don't let them move through us, they will fester, or come out against that one person we desperately want to reconnect with.
If we can take that incredibly brave step of making time, and getting support to help us move through the betrayal... yes, we feel the hurt, but we can also go through the grieving process, and let it move on. Then we can move on with openness to healthy reconnection.
As always, if you are going through estrangement, please be kind to yourself. Knowing we are suffering, and allowing space for that to happen, rather than avoiding or punishing ourselves, can help. If you are able, please seek professional help.
Take care of yourselves,
Much love,
Chess xxx
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