When an adult decides to cut ties with their parent, the reactions can vary dramatically depending on the parent's emotional health. Understanding these responses is crucial for the estranged child to manage expectations and maintain their own mental well-being. Let's explore how a narcissistic parent typically responds to estrangement compared to a healthy parent.
1. Rage vs Hurt and Controlled Anger
A narcissistic parent often reacts with intense rage. Their sense of entitlement and inability to see beyond their own needs fuel this anger. They might lash out, hurl accusations, and make the situation about their suffering.
In contrast, a healthy parent feels deep hurt but manages their anger in a controlled manner. They are likely to express sadness and disappointment rather than explosive rage. Their focus remains on understanding the root cause and addressing it constructively.
2. Triangulation vs Direct Communication
Narcissistic parents often resort to triangulation, involving other family members or friends to manipulate the situation and regain control. This indirect approach serves to create confusion, division, and ultimately, to pull the child back into the fold on the parent's terms.
Healthy parents, on the other hand, prefer direct communication. They seek to address the issues head-on, engaging in open and honest dialogue with their child. Their goal is to find a resolution that respects both parties' feelings and needs.
3. Denial of Any Fault vs Acknowledging Shortfalls
A narcissistic parent will typically deny any responsibility for the estrangement. They view themselves as faultless and place all the blame on the child. This denial is a defense mechanism to protect their fragile ego.
Conversely, a healthy parent can see shortcomings on both sides. They are willing to acknowledge their mistakes and understand that estrangement is often the result of complex dynamics that involve contributions from everyone involved.
4. Brushing Over Faults vs Recognizing the Need for Time and Work
If a narcissistic parent does admit to any fault, they tend to minimize it. They brush over their mistakes and expect immediate forgiveness without making any real changes.
Healthy parents recognize that healing past hurts takes time and effort. They are prepared to work through the issues and understand that rebuilding trust and repairing the relationship requires patience and consistent effort.
5. Agenda-Driven Conversations vs Genuine Understanding
When a narcissistic parent wants to talk, it's often to push their own agenda. They are more interested in convincing the child to return on their terms rather than understanding the child's perspective.
In contrast, a healthy parent engages in conversations to genuinely understand their child's feelings and viewpoint. They prioritize listening and empathizing over pushing their own narrative.
6. Name Calling vs Respectful Communication
Narcissistic parents may resort to name-calling and labeling, using terms like "brat," "spoiled," or "selfish" to undermine the child's feelings and justify their own position.
Healthy parents avoid derogatory labels and instead strive to communicate respectfully. They recognize the damaging effects of name-calling and focus on constructive dialogue.
7. Pretending There Isn’t a Problem vs Reaching Out for Help
Narcissistic parents often pretend that the estrangement isn’t a problem, especially in front of others. They might act as if everything is fine in order to maintain their image and avoid facing the underlying issues.
Healthy parents acknowledge the problem and are not afraid to reach out for help. They may seek therapy, join support groups, or ask trusted friends for advice to navigate the estrangement and find ways to heal the relationship.
8. Retaliation vs Self-Reflection
A narcissistic parent's response to estrangement can include retaliation, such as starting a smear campaign against the child or alienating them from other family members.
Healthy parents, however, wait things out and work on their own issues during the estrangement. They use this time for self-reflection and personal growth, hoping that it will contribute positively to the eventual reconciliation.
The contrast between how a narcissistic parent and a healthy parent respond to estrangement is stark. When we recognize these differences it can help us navigate our emotions and interactions more effectively. Ultimately, understanding these dynamics is a step toward healing and making informed decisions about our relationships.
Much love,
Chess
xx
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