Feeling guilty is one of a Scapegoat child's default setting. Alongside shame, fear, and confusion, it's a pretty steady state of being in a narcissistic family. So, how do our parents do it, even long into adulthood. Well, dear reader, they have several go-to ways. Here are just a few....
1) Emotional blackmail
It's a classic and easy tactic, especially for a covert narcissistic parent who thrives on being the victim. Phrases like "well, if you cared you would call/visit/do this for me" or "all mother's want is to spend some time with their children. It's not too much to ask is it?" Preying on our 'duty' as children, stereotypes, or our role as loving offspring is a classic way to manipulate us into toeing their line.
2) "After all we've done for you"
Again, cliché central, but it is a great tool for a narc parent to get you right were they want you. According to this logic, fulfilling parental duties of caring and providing for a child makes their offspring indebted to them for life. It's the ultimate manipulation strategy, because a child cannot argue. Or they can, but will then be told they are 'ungrateful' and be reminded of all the sacrifices the parent made for their benefit. It's a broken record, but can be very powerful.
So, just to put this one in perspective. An adult has a choice as to whether to have a child. If they do so, it is their job, morally and legally, to provide for that child. It is not a debt to be repaid, it is common human decency which should not be given with the expectation of repayment.
3) You're young/fit/have more opportunity
This argument is another good one for a narcissistic parent who likes to play the martyr. Pleading age, infirmity, financial or generational differences can be a way for them to get you to do their chores, pay their bills, or whatever else is on their agenda for you. And, just to avoid any misunderstanding, I do advocate for helping out people around us. If we can do somebody a favour, or we are in a position to help another person who is struggling, wonderful. It's lovely to help each other. But when we are expected to do so, when it becomes an obligation not a choice, when it is not appreciated or reciprocated and it comes at a cost of us looking after our own needs... that's when we're giving too much and we need to redress the balance.
4) The selfish argument
This classic gaslighting argument is such a great one for narcissistic parents to control their children through guilt. The selfish card can be played anytime and never gets old. A child wants to spend time with their friends? Selfish. As adults, we need to prioritise work or our own families? We don't care about them. We make choices around our own preferences and life decisions? We're just self-centred.
There are a million reasons why pursuing our own needs is completely good, normal and healthy. But perhaps another great way to put this argument into perspective, is thinking about what would happen if the tables were turned. Would they leave work early to give you a ride? Would they cancel their plans if you needed a favour? Would they sit in traffic for four hours on the long weekend to come and do your chores? Doubtful.
5) We should feel guilty about our successes and our failures.
Again, dear friends, we lose both ways. If we do well- we find a new partner, get a raise, or pass our exams, somehow it can be twisted into a negative. Now we're accused of not having time for them or for thinking we're better than they are. Except we didn't say or think any of that- they project it onto us instead. So, we can't celebrate our successes with them for fear of looking like we're bragging.
But, on the flip side, woe-betide us if we get something wrong. We don't do well in school, we get sick, or lose a friend. Somehow our 'failure' reflects badly on them. They aren't there to support and help us through the hard times, instead they take the bad things for their own. A terrible example of this is the mother who wanted sympathy from her daughter, because her daughter just told her she had cancer. The mother took the victim position, expecting and needing support, because she was so upset that her daughter was ill. There was no space for the daughter to process, manage and support her own traumatic diagnosis.
It's twisted, frustrating, confusing, and betraying when we see our 'loved ones' manipulating us through guilt. But we have a choice. We can choose what we feel guilty for, and we don't have to take their word for it.
Please be safe and take care.
Much love,
Chess xxx
Comments