Families are complicated things! As with any relationships between human beings, who have messy emotions and complicated ways of behaving, there are always ups and downs. However, sometimes family relationships become very strained, and, ultimately, may become broken.
Estrangement may mean different things to different people- it may mean very reduced contact, emotional distancing, or a complete lack of contact. Terminal estrangement means that the break in the relationship is never reconciled.
This post outlines five reasons why a child who chooses to estrange from a parent may never reconcile. And, just before I start, I want to reiterate I am neither pro- or anti- estrangement. I have experience of both cutting off and being cut off from family members, so I know how heart-breaking it is being on both sides of the rift. What I do believe, however, is that sometimes estrangement is necessary, a last resort, the only tool we have left in the box. If I have to choose between a damaging, toxic, abusive and unpleasant relationship, or estrangement, I would still choose estrangement. Both hurt. But estrangement gives us the chance to heal and move forwards.
However, it can be very hard to understand estrangement when we are caught in the emotional upheaval and pain of such a difficult rift. I write this post to try to give some light on ongoing estrangement between a child and their parent. I hope that it may give insight and be useful for navigating this difficult road. And, as always, please look after yourselves, and reach out for support if you feel you need it.
So, my first reason that I think an estranged child may not reconcile is ....
1. A child may be scared to reconnect with an estranged parent.
Family dynamics that are established in childhood will continue to be evident in adult relationships, unless steps are taken to evolve the patterns. In the same way that adults can still be in awe or fear of their childhood teachers or school bullies, we can hold anxiety around parental figures when we are older. Given that estrangement is characterised by people feeling unsupported, disrespected or unsafe in relationships, it stands to reason that there could be significant fear around what would happen if or when a child chose to reconnect with family they haven't seen for a while, and may have angered by choosing to cut them off.
The fear of reconnecting may be directed towards the people they have cut off. And/or, it may be around how other family members may react. For example, if a child has cut off a parent, they may be concerned how siblings would react to them re-establishing a connection.
If you are estranged and want to reconcile, I think it hugely important to create a safe space for that person to reconnect with you, if they choose to. Making it clear that we welcome any contact, that there won't be punishment, or consequences to resuming a relationship, and that we will support them around other family members is key.
And, when we choose estrangement because we felt unsafe in a relationship, I think it very important to remember and explore that lack of safety. If we were subjected to physical threats, emotional abuse, or dealing with health problems due to long-term exposure to an unhealthy relationship, then looking to re-establish connection WITHOUT any changes will, of course, continue to be unsafe for us. We need to find a way to reconnect in a safe way, and if this is not available, estrangement will be the healthiest choice.
2. The situation does not change.
People choose to estrange for a reason. And when the relationship is as primal to us as a parent-child bond, we need a very strong reason to cut the tie. If that reason was strong enough for a child to feel that they needed to stop contact then it stands to reason that without seeing meaningful change, they will not choose to reconcile.
I hear a lot of comments from people saying 'I did nothing wrong, I don't need to change.' The thing is that if both sides think this, then there will never be a resolution. We need to be open to the idea that if we want to have a relationship with someone, we need to consider their perspective. What is important is whether they would like to see a change from us to improve the relationship, and if so, to be open to hearing it. Obviously we all have a choice around what changes we are willing to make, but ultimately, for any healthy relationship to survive over time we need to evolve with it.
Another comment I hear a lot is 'well, we both have to want to change. I don't see them making an effort'. And, yes, I agree, that any healthy relationship is mutual, and involves compromise from both sides. So, we need to be really honest with ourselves about how much we are asking the other side to give, and how much we are willing to adjust. And, if we're at a stalemate, sometimes one of us needs to make the first move. When a relationship is truly worth it to us we will be open and willing to make that move. When it isn't, we don't.
3. The child has moved on.
Essentially this reason is interlinked with reason 2, that the child sees no prospect of change in the relationship. In addition to not seeing change in the family dynamic, the child has found other relationships that they feel are more helpful to them.
This is a keys concept of estrangement- when a child really does not see any way of having a meaningful, supportive, positive relationship with their family. And the hardest part of this piece is that the family may really not understand where they are going wrong. Family dynamics are passed down through generations. It is common to see belief systems around parenting, communication styles and habits repeated from grandparent to parent to child, and then on to their children. The cycle only stops when another, preferred way is found.
Sadly, difficult family dynamics are often characterised by being resistant to change and suspicious of new ideas. So if a family member- typically one who is struggling with the current system- finds other supports, friends, partners or ideals, and these are dismissed by the family, the members can find themselves at an impasse. And, with this situation, unless the family can find a way to communicate and be open to resolving and compromise, the child is likely to continue to drift from the unit. Because they have supports, and can see problems within the family system that seem entrenched, they will inevitably move towards a way of relating that they find more helpful.
I would like to pause here to address the question around when a child has a new partner who family believes are a bad influence, alienating or controlling their child. If this is the case (and not an excuse to blame another), then it will be difficult to stand by and witness. However, ultimately, the parent has no choice. The child is an adult, wanting and needing to make their own decisions. I firmly believe that if a child finds a new partner, or a group of friends, that are not healthy for them, they will figure it out. And when they do, they will need a non-judgmental, supportive family to return to, and value it.
4. The child has not forgiven the parent.
This situation occurs when a parent has made mistakes, and these continue to be a block for any kind of reconciliation. Anger, resentment, and deep emotional pain can cause lasting damage to any relationship. The challenge with the parent-child relationship is that a parent has a unique responsibility towards a child, through their vulnerable developmental years. Unfortunately, even though harm may not be intended, and making mistakes is completely human and to be expected, experiences impact children in a different way to adults. Things we may not think of as harmful, can be very damaging. And situations that we can see may be difficult can cause lasting trauma.
If you were a parent who made mistakes that you can see would have been difficult for your child, I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability in recognising this. Acknowledging and apologising may go a long way in helping your child process and move on. It can also be a lot of hard (and potentially expensive) work to move through these difficulties. In some cases we literally need to find a way to rewire our brains and bodies to be able to heal. Your child may not be aware, be able, or want to do this work. And even if they do, that does not mean they need to, or have any obligation to forgive you for what happened. It is up to you to forgive yourself, and leave a loving space for when your child may want to reconnect.
For those 'children' who find themselves feeling immense rage, anger or resentment towards a parent and their mistakes. Firstly, know this is your right and a normal reaction. We need to have an aversion to things that harm us to be able to survive. Also, holding a lot of difficult emotion can be harmful for us in the long term. Emotions are there to be seen, felt, and released. Releasing strong emotions allows us to think more clearly, make good decisions and live more peaceful, fulfilling lives. I hope if you find you are stuck in your anger towards a family member that with time and distance, when you are no longer in danger of further harm, you will be able to release some of this.
And, whichever side of the rift we are on, also know that forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. We can forgive and not reconnect.
As always, I wish you much love. When we are kind to ourselves and others and connections come to us.
Chess xxx
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