Family estrangement is very difficult to accept. And can be even harder to come to terms with when we don't know the reason for the estrangement. I often hear people saying they have no idea why their family member has cut them off, and this makes moving on so much harder.
Here are five reasons why a family member may choose to estrange and not tell us why. The last reason is, I believe, the most common.
1. They are ashamed of their situation.
Life does not always go according to plan. We can get thrown off track for many reasons. We may not be doing well at work or school. We can have a relationship that goes wrong, or physical or mental illness can take hold. Sometimes we make bad decisions or encounter some unfortunate bad luck.
Hopefully, when these things happen, they are rare, and we have supports around us to help us through. Things can become difficult when a few events pile on top of one another, or we don't have the resources we need to cope. Sometimes things snowball, and we end up in situations we aren't proud of, making decisions we later regret, or trapped in difficult relationships.
These can all be reasons why we distance ourselves from our families, and we don't want to admit to others what is happening. We may feel too proud to ask for help, we may be embarrassed, or feel shame around what is happening. Sometimes we may not feel safe reaching out for help.
If you think your family member is estranging for these types of reasons the number one way to help reconciliation is to be supportive, understanding and non-judgmental. Giving them a safe place to return to, as and when they are ready, will be key to reconnecting.
2. They want to hurt you
Sometimes family members estrange or alienate from us to hurt us. Often it is done in revenge for perceived or actual hurt we have put them through. It may be a case of 'attacking as a defence' where we hurt others because we are scared they will do the same to us. Often if someone is really looking to hurt us, they will cut us off temporarily- for days or weeks, often until we do what they want for them. People who really want to hurt others can become quite sinister in their actions, but mostly like to see the pain they are causing, which is why this type of complete cut off may not suit the worst offenders.
However, there are people who are happy with the passive aggressive act of cutting off to spite others. This situation it is often difficult to manage, because those of us who want to be in a relationship with those who intentionally hurt us, are acting through trauma bonds.
Trauma bonds keep us tied into unhealthy, toxic relationships, where we often become codependent or somehow reliant on the other person.
Seeking help for this type of abusive relationship is important. If you recognise this as being your situation, please reach out to a professional therapist to work through the reasons why you feel tied to this relationship. We can break free from these patterns when we understand that it is loving to have strong boundaries around unacceptable behavior.
3. They don't think you will listen
Family members may choose not to tell us the reasons for their estrangement because they fear we won't listen. If we don't acknowledge and hear their reasoning they may feel that speaking to us will land on deaf ears. There may be a history of 'not talking about those types of things' in the family, or an unwritten rule that emotions are not discussed. There may just be such discomfort around how to broach sensitive subjects, that we don't have experience that we will be heard.
This reason is a difficult one to get our heads around, because we may believe we are easy to talk to and approachable. We may feel that we have always communicated well with this family member and not see this as a problem. But here's the thing. If we have been cut off, there is a problem. If we have been cut off without a reason, there is a communication problem too. Period.
In this situation, we need to check our own agendas, and really look carefully at how we communicate with this person. Were we open, loving, curious, and supportive? If we think we were, did we ask the other person their opinion on how well we communicated? Often we think we know what someone else is thinking, but it's always good practice to check.
If you've been cut off and think this could be the reason, being open to discussing communication may be the key to reconciling. Check and see if they have feedback on how we listen to them. Offering to go to family counselling or some kind of mediation may also help.
4. They don't feel safe
This reason aligns closely with reason number 3. When a person doesn't feel listened to, they may not feel safe in sharing their concerns about the relationship. Safety can be emotional and verbal, as well as physical. We don't have to have been physically attacked to feel unsafe around somebody.
When we feel that we give reasons that are rejected, minimised, brushed off or laughed at, we feel very unsafe. These reactions shut down any chance of the open, healthy communication that is needed for lasting relationships. And this includes family relationships. Giving each other space to air our concerns, listening and compromising, allows us to grow together.
If there is a history in our families of not listening to one another, mocking, making fun, bullying, or violence, it stands to reason that a person thinking if estrangement would not feel safe to have an open, honest dialogue about their reasons. The way to manage this situation, if you recognise it, I hope, is an obvious one. Be kind, be safe, be reassuring. Respect past problems, and current concerns. Reach out to say you can see that there have been bad times, and you sincerely want to find a way forwards. Then let the person who left take the lead. It may take time, but pushing them will reinforce their feelings a lack of safety.
5. They have already told us
What???! I can hear you shouting? This whole article is about not being told why we have been cut off and now you're saying we already know?! You're wasting my time!
If this is your reaction, then great! I truly hope you will read on. Because I see this as the primary reason that people disconnect from family members without reason. It's because they have told us for years through words and actions. It may have been subtle, but the message was clear: "I am not ok with this. I don't agree with you. I am asking for change." But change doesn't happen, and they get tired of asking. Instead they walk away.
Did your family member not 'toe the family line'? Was there a disagreement on a choice they made- their partner, job, or lifestyle? Were they different somehow? Or perhaps they were always so compliant, constantly doing what was asked, not showing their own opinions or needs?
In families we can become blind to what others want and need. When we think don't know why we were cut off, we need to think back, look at messages, reflect on arguments, consider who they truly are. We need to put ourselves in their shoes and walk through their decision to leave. Where were the signs that we missed? What would have been their motivations?
Once we start to really empathise and be curious about their decision we can start to put together the puzzle pieces.
As always, I hope you can take from this what you find is useful. Leave the rest.
Much love,
Chess xxx
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