One of the traits of a narcissistic person is that they use various control tactics for their own personal gain. Although these tactics may not be obvious, they do follow patterns. So if you have someone in your life whose behaviour is concerning you, or you know you are dealing with someone difficult but may not be sure exactly what is happening, this list may help.
1. Gaslighting
The term 'gaslighting' refers to when somebody tries to distort another person's sense of reality. This is done to confuse another or cause someone to lose confidence. Through increasing another person's self-doubt, it is then easier for the narcissist to promote their own agenda. The narcissist can establish, or strengthen, their position of superior knowledge or confidence over another, increasing their ability to manipulate and control that less confident person.
Gaslighting examples may be subtle such as, "Oh, I really don't remember it that way", or firm, "You're wrong, that didn't happen".
Personally, I find gaslighting the most scary, insidious of all control tactics, because it can be done so cleverly and subversively, that we may not realise it is happening. If it is done very subtly, we can lose our sense of self-confidence. Before we know what has happened, robbing us of our self-confidence- and therefore our power- to be firm in our opinions and stand up for ourselves.
2. The silent treatment
The narcissist can be very quick to punish those who do not follow their agenda. Withdrawing words or love is a simple way for them to show disapproval or punish another for something the narcissist does not agree with. The narcissist can often extend their control, by influencing others to shun or withdraw from the person who has angered them. And, essentially through using this technique, the narcissist is actively displaying how conditional their love, affection, or attention is towards us. Effectively, the message is, "if you do what I want, I will be available to you and you will mean something to me. However, if you do not toe my line, I will discard you, and may induce others to do so as well".
The silent treatment becomes a serious weapon when the narcissist is a parent, and withdraws the vital love, affection and attention that a child in their care needs. It can also be very difficult in workplace or extended family or social settings, when the person being targeted can become shunned and outcast through due to the narcissists' nefarious tactic.
3. Anger
Narcissistic rage can be a very scary thing. They are often impulsive and can be extra volatile when things do not go their way. Some narcissists get physically violent, some lash out verbally or can crush us emotionally. Whichever flavour your narcissist has chosen (remembering that they can change their minds or even use all three tactics), essentially anger that is used to intimidate or pressure others is bullying or abusive.
None of these tactics are ok, but physical violence can escalate. Please reach out for help to a trusted friend, family member, professional or a crisis line if you feel threatened.
4. Emotional blackmail
Playing on our emotions is a subtle- or perhaps not so subtle- way to try to influence another person to do what we want them to do. It will try to invoke our feelings of guilt, obligation, or simply take advantage of the wonderful human trait of wanting to support others. A narcissist may say something like "if you loved me you would.....". Or they may use another person as their bait, such as "your aunt will be very upset if you don't come for dinner".
This one can be difficult to distinguish from somebody wanting to legitimately express their feelings and concerns towards us. In healthy relationships it is important to communicate our preferences. However, the difference is that open, useful communication will allow both parties to express their different perspectives and opinions, and compromises are made according to both feeling heard and seen. Emotional blackmail is typically a one-way street. Being on the receiving end, our needs and opinions are not welcome, heard, or validated. Often if we push back against emotional blackmail, or state a differing perspective, we are shut down, told we are in the wrong, and often more blackmail follows.
If you are on the receiving end of emotional blackmail, discussing, arguing, or negotiating will not work. Try to state your need, preference or decision clearly and firmly once, and then walk away. You do not need to explain, justify or accommodate doing anything, unless it is your decision to do so. (But the narcissist doesn't want you to know that!).
5. Bandwagoning
As we all know, a narcissist likes to think of themselves as being at the centre of things, particularly social circles. To this end, a narcissist will use the idea of social pressure to push their agenda on others. Lines like "everyone else does it... " or "you don't want to be the only one who doesn't..." are things we would hear in a school playground. Sadly, the narcissist hasn't graduated from that age of reasoning, so will still recruit these arguments to try to control others. And, as with so many things they say, there may be no truth to back up their point. It just sounds good and serves their purpose in the moment.
Although it is hard not to get pulled in to this in the moment, really it is best to not get dragged into this type of nonsensical discussion. If you can, see bandwagoning for what it is- just a form of peer pressure- and ignore it.
6. Scapegoating
Ah yes, the scapegoating is another control tactic from the narcissist. The beauty of scapegoating, from a narcissist's perspective, is that they never have to take responsibility for their actions. As long as wrongdoing can be laid at someone else's feet, the narcissist ensures their egos are firmly protected. They also don't have to do any self-reflection, or put any thought into their behaviour, which would be unbearable for them.
As I talk about a lot on the channel, being the scapegoat for a narcissist is not a good place to be. If you find you are assigned this role, be firm in understanding your responsibilities and actions. Keep records, diaries, emails and texts, even if they are only for your knowledge of what happened. We are only responsible for our own actions, not those of others. Understand your personal boundaries. "You made me do it" or, "if you hadn't said that I wouldn't have had to ...." are classic examples of subtle scapegoating that try to shift blame to others, that we should not take on.
7. Love bombing
Narcissists only get away with their bad behaviour because they can turn on the charm when they need to. Typically, a narcissist will gain another follower through their charm offensive. If it's a new friend, love interest or colleague, they will go out of their way to make us feel special, important, and vital to their happiness. And as we are social beings, who like to be wanted, this feels good. It feels extra special to those of us who need to be needed, who have grown up in a family caregiver role, where we were given love if we provided services for others.
So, when a charming, charismatic person comes into our lives and wants us to be a central part of their worlds, it can be intoxicating. They can seem too good to be true, and we can be bombarded with messages, gifts, and compliments, as the narcissist makes a home for themselves in our lives.
The problem is that this is just a phase, and sooner or later, the façade drops. The narcissist only has a limited amount of interest in other people, and so when they run out of interest, or we are nicely within their gravitational sphere, the love bombs slowly fade away. We are left with doing favours, being rejected, and feeling utterly confused about where the wonderful person went. To add to that confusion, the narcissist may turn back on the charm or engage in future faking (see below), just enough to keep us believing that the good times are still possible, as long as we do what the narcissist wants.
8. Future faking
Future faking is often an extension of the love bombing phase of a narcissistic relationship. The love bombing has a finite lifespan, before the narcissist moves on. However, from time to time, they need to put the charming mask back on, to keep people in their supply. This is where future faking comes in- the narcissist will promise to do something in the future.... except that future time often never comes.
It could be a situation where a spouse wants to do one thing, and the other has a different preference. The narcissist will promise that the next time they will do the partner's wants, but this time needs to be done the narcissists way. Where to go for dinner, on holidays, working the late shift. The promise is compromise and equality..... but sadly, the pendulum rarely swings away from the narcissists side.
9. Playing the victim
When the narcissists regular control tactics fail, the narcissist will play the victim to get what they need. (Actually, for covert narcissists, this is a default setting.) Tying in with emotional blackmail, the narcissist will play the hard-done-by party to push their agenda, regardless of the facts. In classic cases, a narcissist will make themselves out as the victim when they were in point of fact the opposite.
For example, a spouse may get ticked off with a narcissistic partner who regularly doesn't come come home for dinner again and didn't call, disrupting parenting routines. The narcissist may go on the counter attack, saying how hard they work, just trying to support other people, is tired, unappreciated, can't do anything right, the partner is so unreasonable.....
The argument can keep going once the narcissist is on a roll, and puts the partner on the back foot, who feels they can't argue without looking bad. Handling this one needs mastery in patience, keeping on topic and not rising to the bait. Stick to your original request (please call if you are going to miss dinner), and don't get side tracked into the victim's story.
10. Triangulation
The last tactic in the top 10 controls a narcissist can use is triangulation. This involves the narcissist recruiting another person to support their cause. It could be a friend, partner, boss, child, parent, or coworker. Anybody who is in the narcissists influence can and is likely to be used to promote the narcissistic agenda.
A father may be pressured by a narcissistic mother to control a child, which the father does to appease the mother. A child may be unwittingly controlled by a narcissistic parent, through bullying, teasing or acting out against a sibling or the other parent. Workplace triangulation may involve people supporting the boss' agenda in the hope for special treatment, a promotion or to avoid being targeted themselves.
This is a tough one to deal with, especially if you are in the minority of being a healthy person surrounded by the narcissist and their club. In this situation, I hope you can find allies, or an escape route. Sometimes hanging around just isn't worth it.
As always, take care.
Much love,
Chess xxx
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